Apparently.
I have been way down in the dumps this week. And super lethargic and lacking in any type of 'oomph'.
I haven't got out of bed. I've slept all day. And when I have managed to roll myself out of bed it's been to eat, or cry in a different position.
I think it's because on Tuesday I had a tiny bit of a freak out where I hadn't felt Bump kick me for a couple of days. And being a newbie to all this and not sure of correct procedure I went to the doctors.
Apparently this is wrong. ALWAYS go to the midwife. And if the midwife isn't there. Go to triage.
Doctors are fab and all - but they are not midwives. And babies are not their remit.
I found this out in an alarming appointment where my doctor told me that she could neither feel the baby or was sure of what she was feeling for. And then tried to listen for a heartbeat with a doppler probe used on diabetic patients feet (if you have never seen one of these, they look like a pen. Not cool to have shoved in your tummy) which of course meant she couldn't hear a heartbeat.
So off she sent me to the hospital, feeling completely freaked out and scared that if a doctor couldn't feel my baby then where had it gone!?
However, arriving at triage could not have been more different. I was still on my own at this point because BNF was at work (at this point trying to hitch a lift over to the hospital) and the midwife was calm and reassuring and put me on the bed on a monitor and gave me some ice cold water to drink to try and 'wake the baby up'. This did actually work and I stayed on the monitor and it showed a strong healthy heartbeat and I'd felt something like 7 kicks in 30 mins - which is totally healthy and fine. She also explained that the babies head was super engaged and he was most probably lying on his back which is why I couldn't feel him kicking like I had been used to.
By this point BNF had arrived, given me a big cuddle and then proceeded to play around with everything in the room, including the buttons on the bed - causing me to drop to the floor and swear a lot. Which he found hilarious. Honestly, he might not make it through delivery day.
So. After all that excitement I went home to bed - at around 7pm. And like I said, I haven't really left the bed since.
Until today.
I didn't sleep at all last night, and my hips had been in so much pain. Then I remembered that Mrs Wobbly had brought over an old hot water bottle.
So I went and filled it up - actually being a little bit too happy considering it's just a hot water bottle - and went back to sleep with it on my hip. Which must have felt amazing and cause me to drift back into a really heavy sleep.
Because the next thing I know, I've woken up absolutely soaked from the waist down.
I swear to God. I actually thought I was in labour.
I have NEVER moved so quickly in my life.
It must have taken me a good 10 / 15 minutes to come round and realise that the hot water bottle had leaked - and when that clicked I just sat there and laughed. Then realising I was sitting in an empty house laughing to myself, I laughed some more.
I can't explain it but I feel a lot better for that moment of stupidity and light heartedness and I don't feel tired or lethargic - or like I'm in the first stage of labour.
So to recap things I've learnt this week:
- If you ever have any scares during your labour, always call triage. That's what they are there for and they honestly won't mind if you call them every day (this is what they say anyway)
- If you are down in the dumps, do something really stupid. Or watch a film that you know makes you laugh. Or any of the things I said in the Baby Blues post below.
- Most importantly, always throw away old hot water bottles if you know they leak, to avoid confusion with amniotic fluid loss...
On recoiling that tale to BNF on the phone just now all I got was "But is the mattress alright?" I'm seriously considering not letting him in the delivery room you know...
Mx
I'm not talking about these bad boys:
I'm talking about deep, dark, bottom of the ocean, not gettin outta bed for love nor money, pathetic fallacy, bad case of the reds, Baby Blues.
Being pregnant is tough.
Hell, some days just 'being' is tough.
Everyone has bad days. Even the hottest girl who has the best boyfriend the cool city job and all the swanky hand bags. Even your boss who believes they are actually the axis on which the world spins. Everyone.
But throw constant surges of crazy hormones into the mix, along with all the other fab pregnancy symptoms and you've got a whole different war on your hands.
First and most importantly, this is NORMAL. It does not make you a bad person, it doesn't mean you're going to be a bad mother.
Some days I feel completely overwhelmed by everything. I feel anxious about how much stuff I don't know about newborns. I worry that all the attention is on me and BNF is feeling left out. I was completely freaking out about fitting a car seat (until this weekend when a really nice young man in Halfords showed us that it's really not that hard). I feel like I can't cope and I can't do it. And then I go through the subsequent feelings of guilt because I love my unborn baby so much and I can't wait for it to get here and have a real squish. But hey, this is all new territory and if you went into it bold as brass thinking you were going to be amazing at everything a) you are probably a super arrogant idiot and b) you're setting yourself up for a hell of a fall.
Pregnancy - and impending parenthood is a learn on the job role. You can be as prepped as you want and there will be something that comes up to bite you in the butt. I guarantee it.
But with this whole new war, you need a whole different battle plan.
Take every day as it comes. If you're having a bad day and you just can't shake it off - let it be. Sleep the day away. Wallow in self pity. Eat chocolate cookies and ice lollies until you're full. And then know that tomorrow is a new day and we'll try again.
Write everything down. Even the real crap stuff. Because when it's stopped being crap - it might actually be funny. Even if it's not until you're telling your friends when they get pregnant, or when your kids grow up and they ask you what it was like, or you're just sitting round with your friends or partner laughing about - oh do you remember that time I had a complete mental breakdown in Sainsburys and refused to get out the car - wasn't that HILARIOUS. Trust me, just write it all down.
Call your friends. Especially if you're not only refusing to get out the car, but you're actually the only one in the car. Because you need someone to talk your ass outta that situation. And they will make you laugh at yourself. Or they might tell you something crappy that happened to them and you can just indulge yourselves in your mutual crap. Just call them.
Call your mum. Because she's been there. Maybe once or twice. And she'll tell you that yeah of course she had breakdowns and it's fiiiiiiiine because you'll still be having them in 20 years time. It might make you feel better anyway.
Keep yourself occupied. Choose the decor for the nursery. Do the grocery shopping. Paint your nails. Have a bath. Organise the airing cupboard. Bake a cake. Do whatever you gotta do.
And take time to remember all the good things. And how exciting it all really is. And I know it's hard - but remember how lucky you are and how many people there are in the world who would love to have a little baby bump to keep them up at night. At this stage with 54 days to go (!!) I'm just keeping my eyes on the prize and thinking about how much I can't wait to find out if it's a boy of a girl (I'm still convinced it's a boy) and have that first proper cuddle instead of just constant high fives from the inside of my tummy.
I saw this thing on instagram the other day called the A-Z of Gratitude. Super American, but I really liked the idea of it. They take a letter of the alphabet every day and write something that they are thankful for. I also like that starting this on Nov 1st will not only take my up to Thanksgiving, but up to my last day at work. So I'm gonna be doing this as one of my 'keep me occupied' activities for the next 4 weeks.
For now though, I'm going to cuddle into my pregnancy pillow and enjoy another broken nights sleep :)
Big Kisses.
Mx
PS. I have gotta give total snaps to my friend Kitty for her tips on how to cope with bad days. I might sound like I know what I'm talking about but really she keeps me on track. And without her, I'd still be in the car in Sainsburys car park.
