Pregnancy Chakra

Exactly one year ago today I found out I was pregnant. 

I was 9 weeks along already, and I had no idea. 

I only did a test as a process of elimination! 

My baby were in so much pain - I thought I had breast cancer. 

I was tired and sleeping all the time - I thought I had chronic fatigue syndrome. 

For real!! 

I even read an entire lesson on balancing your chakras and spent hours in my bedroom trying to balance myself because I thought it would help the pains in my tummy. 

I was trying to do the Bikini Series and I couldn't figure out why I was still so bloated when I was eating so well. 

I don't know how we didn't know. I remember one day I flat out refused to get outta bed and then it was 2:30pm in the afternoon and BNF's mum was requesting that we left the house, and I only agreed on the basis that he took me to McDonalds and brought me chicken nuggets. 

Seriously, we didn't know. 

So I figured I couldn't just rock up at the doctors and tell the I had chronic fatigue. They'd ask me all these questions about what else it could be. And I'd had some tummy cramps but no end product in that regard so, one Monday lunchtime, while I was picking up my lunch I thought I'd just chuck in a test and see what happened. 

Absolutely convinced that it would say negative, I took it in the bathroom at work at about 4:30pm. 

It said positive. 

I swear I nearly jumped out of the bathroom without pulling up my pants. 

I did NOT know what to do. 

I ran out into the car park, rang the doctors and demanded to the lady on reception that I needed an emergency appointment. 

"Whats the nature of the emergency please?" 

"I JUST TOOK A PREGNANCY TEST AND IT SAID POSITIVE AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING WITH MY LIFE!!!!"

"I have one at 5:10" 

And that was it I just went back upstairs grabbed my bag and left. I didn't tell anyone, I didn't turn off my computer. I just left. And thank goodness, as I turned out of my work car park a police car was just behind me, otherwise I think I would've driven like an absolute lunatic. 

So I turned up at the doctors, burst into tears on my doctors - who is a very formal, chinese man, who now questions my mental stability I'm sure. And he said he wouldn't see me until I had been home, eaten something ad spoken to someone in my family. 

Which, in hindsight was very sensible. So we agreed that I would come back on the Wednesday. 

I then went home (I was still living with my parents at this time) and burst into tears on Mrs Wobbly in the kitchen while she was trying to make tea for everyone. 

She then said I needed to talk to BNF. Which again, was sensible. And reassured me that my family would love me and support me no matter what. 

So on Tuesday, I had to go for a meal for his mum - I don't remember why, I think she was going into an operation or something, all I remember is it was the LONGEST meal of my life! And then afterwards we both went back and sat on the sofa and I burst into tears on BNF.  And he reassured me that he would love and support me no matter what and that I was not to make any decision based on his age. (BNF is 4 years younger than me). 

I cried ALOT this week. 

At this point I was absolutely convinced that I could not have a baby. I thought my parents would be cross. I thought BNF would break up with me. We didn't have any money. We both still lived at home. I just could not imagine any other situation. 

So when I went back to the Doctor on Wednesday I said to him that I had absolutely no idea what to do and that it would depend on how far along I was. He, being the formal, chinese man that he is, did not understand this at all. He said you either want it or you don't. Like it's really that clear cut. 

So he sent me along to the abortion clinic to have a scan to see how far along I was. 

So on the Thursday I went along there on my own. I tell you, that it the most efficient place I have ever been to. I arrived at 9:00 for my appointment at 9:30 and they just took me straight in. It's the most horrible place to go to on your own and I would say, looking back, if you do ever go to one of the places, take someone with you. You need it. So the lady said, yup your 9 weeks so if you do want to terminate you are too late to take the pill and would have to have a surgical procedure. 

Now - going back a bit here. I went to a Catholic school and they showed us the MOST horrendous video about the surgical procedure. I understand that they have to do this to literally out the fear of God into you. But my goodness does it work!!! 

And then, I went home and googled what a baby looks like at 9 weeks. And it looks like a baby. Like, a weird tadpole-isn baby. But it is formed. And it had a spine. And it has a heartbeat. 

And that was it. I was not letting anything touch that little pod and it was not coming outta me until it was cooked. It was mine to look after and that was what I would do. 

So then on Friday (seriously, this was like a REALLY messed up Craig David song) I saw BNF again and I told him that I had come to a decision that I was going to keep the baby. 

This was when he had his breakdown. And oh man did he go to town. 

He told me I was going to be a pikey mum, along with a whole load of other things. And then sat on my kitchen floor and cried down the phone to his mum. Who by all accounts was crying back. 

We had a lot of tears that week. 

Then he drove to my darlings Samanthas house because he needed to see her boyfriend Mike. Apparently they were convinced I'd broken up with him. I don't think anyone was ready for a baby. 

But he came back around, after he'd had his moment. And we were ok again. 

Then at the weekend, he had the audacity to tell me that I should stay home and he should go out with the boys because "he's had a tough week". I'm not going to tell you how the rest of that conversation went because I would have to censor ALOT. 

But once we'd made out decision we had a lot of planning and prepping to do. We needed to move out, we needed to get all the stuff for the baby, we needed to sell my fiat 500 and his civic type R and get a "sensible" car... 

And it was the toughest, most challenging year of my life. 

We had friends that didn't fully understand the concept of us not being in the pub every week anymore. I was talked about being "psycho" because people thought I was stopping BNF going out. Nobody understood how drastically our lives were changing. And it was tough. I don't even think WE understood how drastically our lives were changing. Throw into that BNF & I nearly broke up in the middle of the summer. And I thought I was going to have to face the whole thing alone. It was hands down the most difficult time. 

But it all came together. 

I don't know how exactly. But, magically, it did! 

And now we have our own little space, our family car, our beautiful Bubba and the friends that have got their head around the new life are an amazing network, and we are so blessed to have such a big supportive, loving, generous family. 

And it's like everything I was petrified about this time last year, has all come good. And it's not scary anymore. It's amazing. And I couldn't imagine my life any other way now. 

I have always believed that the universe knows what it's doing, and that everything happens for a reason. 

Sometimes when it comes about you think it's a massive curve ball, but follow it through and have faith and it might just become the best thing in your life. 

Mx